I was looking back at some of my journal entries for the last couple of years and ran across the following passage. It is eerily appropriate again this season. To those out there that read this and knew me growing up, you know what I am apologizing for.
As I sit here at 2:30 in the morning, my brain is not quite ready to slow down yet. I have been thinking of all the people I have hurt in my life and it is a pretty long list. I didn't know until I was in my 20's that I was Bi-Polar but boy oh boy, that diagnosis sure made sense out of my life. I alienated everyone I ever cared about and was mean and hateful. I own that. I do. I also understand why I did that as well. I have a mild form of Bi-Polar NOS and I cycle with the seasons. I am inconsistent, moody, like to have my own way. When I am in a manic phase, I don't care what your feelings are, it is the ME show. I don't care, my mind is too busy racing with impossible thoughts to hear yours and I can't seem to slow down mentally. When I am in a depression phase, I don't care what your feelings are. My world is crashing down around me and death seems to be the best option. Leave me alone and let me lay in bed for the next two days till the phase passes if it chooses to do so. When the phases aren't going strong, I can make friends, be there for you and it is all about YOU. Until the next phase hits. Sometimes they cycle fast, sometimes slow. I have been in a manic phase for 3 days now. I am working on a few hours of sleep a day and my mind just doesn't shut down. Even in my sleep, the manic in me pops up. I need to find an outlet, maybe I should break out my sewing machine. The last time I got the machine out during a manic phase I made an extra large king size quilt for my bed, the bed skirt and pillows in three days. Start to finish. I have a feeling though, that when I come out of this, it is not going to be pretty. James is a saint. I married a saint. Not only does he have a Bi-Polar wife, but his oldest boy is Bi-Polar too, only he is Bo-Polar 2. My brain is whirling and won't slow down. Bills, school, kids, family, chores, screaming all at once in my head fighting for the right to be heard. So, to those of you who have known me in the past, know that yes, I realize that I am crazy and have been crazy towards you at sometime in my life. Know also that some of that I had little control over and regret the choices made. I have made efforts in my life to work around the bi-polar and make it work more for me, but it is a battle that I fight every day. I just hope I win in the end.
I was reading this thinking that even though I am now going through a mild depression, I am so lucky to have in my life, a loving husband, wonderful kids, and friends that understand that I am crazy and make me not feel like a freak.
I think the following quote sums it up:
" Insanity is relative. It depends on who has who locked in what cage." - Ray Bradbury
Right now Bi-Polar and I are fighting over the key.
My husband has bi-polar disorder and there are several in his family that suffer either from this, BPD or schizophrenia also. When he was first officially diagnosed I threw myself into learning all I can about it. Before being officially diagnosed we actually knew he had it and like you there were times where he would hole himself up in a room for a few days. His outlet was his work. When he was injured in 2002 that outlet was gone and we went through a really rough patch. He discovered his new outlet and it is video games. I did have to put a cap on it though, making them games that could pause and end. Never ending online games are not a good thing for him! Some just don't get how he can play for hours and hours or how I can stand it. I admit sometimes it does get on my nerves but I know that is what keeps him grounded, especially in the winter when depression can so easily set in!
ReplyDeleteGood luck to you. The one thing I have REALLY learned is that those who know and accept their diagnosis do better!